Hope you all have a Happy & Prosperous New Beer Year! See ya in ‘09…
Me still a’chill…
December 22, 2008I’m still making-like Bobby Fischer but with considerably less political commentary… and dying…
Apparently, Christmas is looming once again, so I suppose I should start making a list and checking it twice… Ahh fuckit, I’ll just check it the once this time… I only know Christmas soon-come, because from October 27th, every round-about on the island has been lit-up like the cheap side of the Vegas strip…
I’m not in the proverbial X-mas spirit this year, so I guess I can be expecting a midnight visit from a few boozed-up ghosts who are gonna ride my ass like Ennis after a few too many nights out on the lonely ole’ prairie… Oh well, should make for an interesting night at least…
Why is it we always feel obligated to NOT be in a funk during these type holidays, we always have to slather on the happy M.A.C. colors for all to see?
Isn’t there a saying… “I’m busier than suicide-hotline operator at x-mas”? Oh wait, no, that’s just one of my personal sayings…
It’s supposedly true, this time of year has been relegated to making people feel all warm & fuzzy inside, drop the Blackberry and the Starbucks, pick up some egg-nog and a hand-full of caroling sheet-music, and start kicking down peoples’ doors spreading the Christmas cheer like some mutant Influenza bug …and yet hold the phone… mo’ people check themselves out of the life-motel at this time of year than any other…
I once played Ebeneezer Scrooge in a [pretty good I might add] high-school production of A Christmas Carol, and I was lauded as the next Lawrence Olivier by hundreds of… okay, ONE doting fan, but she wrote me a poem of stalker-like proportion, expounding on how I brought her favorite character to life in a way she had never seen before… I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I was “tanked”, and wrestling with acute teenage alcoholism…
Problems just don’t take a vacation because it happens to be the day a quick-thinking Roman Emperor designated as the birthday of the son of God, no matter how many times you watch It’s a wonderful life, or how the Grinch stole x-mas… Mother always used to say, “…now finish your turkey and ALL the stuffing, don’t you know there are starving models in California?”… Just like everyone always says around this time of year, “be thankful for what you have, because there are so many others who have nothing…” Well, its comforting to know that all the homeless, starving, oppressed people in the world will feel all warm & fuzzy inside, knowing that we are thankful we are not in their situation…
It’s nice to show all the people in our lives that we love and care about… that we… er, love and care about them at Christmas… But what about all the people that we DON’T love and care about? You know, the people we don’t even bother to think about, the people we’d rather NOT think about? Shouldn’t we be asking ourselves, WWJD?
Well, I’ll tell you WWTD… I’m gonna grab a few bottles of cheap booze, head out to the waterfront and hang-out getting plastered with all the local drunks… I’m gonna show them that someone still cares about them… I’ll see you all on the other side of St. Nick’s back-side…
Merry Christmas [Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Season's greetings] to all!
ps. there ya go PJ…
The Weekend update… Live on Dictaphone tape
December 15, 2008When I rose up several mornings ago; I smiled at the rising sun; three talking beavers and two hundred-or-so bees with uncannily disproportionate biceps… Were by my doorstep… They sang no sweet song, instead they jumped me, strapped a home blood-pressure monitor kit to my arm and gave me a prostate exam…
Their prognosis was that I need to chill-the-fuck-out… Or I’ll end up like Heath Ledger… Only Waaay less good-looking… (I felt that they really didn’t have to add that last part… But who am I to argue, aren’t they the experts?)
So, in an effort to ablate my premature… Hypertension [Ha! ...thought I was going to say something else didn't you? Dirty little...] I decided to take their advice and just lay-low from life for a bit.
A little R & R… Some Discovery channel and porn marathons, a little light reading, some more porn, occasional food, and… Well that’s about it really… And I’m not done yet either…
Oh, and I got some more ink permanently indellified under my skin… Here be it:
An Uninvited Guest
November 6, 2008Hi all, just a quick update. My little brother’s wedding was scheduled for this coming Saturday. We have a bunch of relatives and friends visiting from Canada, Jamaica and the States. It appears as though Tropical Storm Paloma has decided that she’s pissed about not being on the guest list, so she’s decided to crash the reception. We had to scratch the rehearsal dinner, and move the wedding and reception up to tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully all goes well.
I also have to execute a bunch of precautionary measures at work, batten down my apartment and my Mom’s house [where most of our guests are staying], go help my brother pick up the liquor, and also pull my boat out of the water before 4pm tomorrow…
She’s not supposed to be a bad one [but you never know] so hopefully all will go without incident. To all my Caymanites, stay safe & dry… See you on Paloma’s back-side…
Latest happenings
October 31, 2008As it appears, two men have been formally charged with the killing of my sister-in-law. The matter is now sub-judice, so we shall see how it unfolds. If you want more details, check the following links:
Cayman Net News story
Cayman Compass story
My sis-in-law’s funeral is going to be tomorrow at 10am, but I need to confirm that… And find my black suit too.
Last Thursday one of the guys who works with me in my construction company got married, so I figured I’d do something special for him. We had a little reception afterwards, and I cooked up a bunch of food. It has been a good while since I have done any cooking at all, what with all the crap going on recently. So I was a bit nervous that I would send thirty-or-so people to the emergency room spewing volatile liquids [and possibly solids] from various & sundry bodily orifices… This turned out not to be the case however.
10 lbs of pork tenderloin in garlic-plum sauce, 10 lbs of curied chicken, 10 lbs of Jamaican-style curried goat, 15 lbs of chicken salad, 5 lbs of shrimp skewers, and 20 lbs of rice & beans dissapeared at an alarming rate… I would not have thought that 30 people could eat over 60 pounds of food, and still polish off the hors-deorves that Wayne made, AND the chocolate cake & wedding cake that I made for desert… Guess they were hungry…
Saturday we had a pub-crawl for my “little” brother who is getting married next week. As far as bachelor [stag] parties go, in Cayman they are fairly tame. Well, I ended my involvement around 1:00am, and the rest of them boarded a boat for… let’s just say the far side of the island and leave it at that… I was honestly just too tired to tag along, so I can also honestly say that I bore no witness to any shenanigans past that point…
The wedding is scheduled for the 8th Nov. and I still haven’t bought a wedding present… All our overseas family will be flying in from Canada and most will be staying at my mom’s house, so she is cleaning like a demon Molly-maid on methamphetamines, and I have been trying to finish up all the minor details of the recent renovations we did to her house, like hanging mirrors, installing towel-bars, shelves, door-stops, etc… My “brother-in-law” Cuñado helped me out all day Sunday-gone.
This whole week has been spent negotiating a large job for my construction company, and yesterday we were told that we have the job, so we will hopefully sign the contract on Monday.
I’m going for a coffee now, hope all is well with the rest of you…
I am Jack Squat’s complete lack of surprise…
October 17, 2008Let’s have a look at what I accomplished this week… Can’t see it? look closer… Cloooooooser… See it right there? Bottom left-hand corner… Yup! there it is right under that coffee stain, right there… Jack Squat.
Okay, that ain’t entirely the whole truth and nothing but… I downloaded, and watched a bunch of movies, and no, Fight Club was not one of them. What is the relevance of Fight Club you wonder? Well, let me tell you… Brad Pitt of course. Brad was the first guy to make my list of guys I would willingly be a prison-bitch for considering the alternatives… I will inform you at this time that the list is in fact a very SHORT [no pun intended] list, but has now grown slightly to include Mr. Justin Timberlake. Why the “J” man? Simply based on the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed his performance in “The Love Guru” which I caught on PPV a couple nights ago. So congratulations Mr. Timberlake, you have achieved an honor that NOT many men have [somewhat similar to the number of men who have invaded Lindsay Lohan's velvet purse...] don’t believe me? Well consider that Mike Meyers, Ben Kingsley and Deepak Chopra DID NOT make my list… On a side-note, the allusion to the fact that your character could bludgeon a small village to death with his penis was NOT an influencing factor in your wining this prestigious and coveted slot [...once again, no pun intended...] As a matter of fact, seeing my ex-girlfriend Jessica Alba, yourself and Verne Troyer on the big [well... 42"] screen in my living-room, had me more turned on than that time my 15-year old 1st cousin asked me to inspect her vagina to assure her that it wasn’t abnormally “fatter” than other girls’ that I had pretended to have seen… Such is the realm of the place in my mind I call my happy place… Population 1…
I have also watched other movies on my [many years ago used to be "top-of-the-line"] laptop, namely:
“Get Smart” ~ I laughed out loud, and trust me I needed a laugh… Steve Carell could me make me pee-a-little-bit in my Depends tm, even after I had been binge drinking the night before, and brushed my teeth with the contents of those little desiccant packets your child finds under the couch three months after you unpacked your new audio-video equipment… Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson and Anne Hathaway were equally entertaining… And coincidentally they are both also on my “Prison-bitch” list too… What? Anne’s a girl… Hmmm, she’s off the list then…
“Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the Crystall Skull” ~ Hey Harrison, Trouble called… He wants his two hours of his life back… He says *Hitting the “Delete” key with a spite-full vengeance usually only reserved for Religious people who wake me up before 7am on a Sunday, and bartenders who make like snail poop when bringing my my next Martini…
“Hellboy II – The Golden Army” ~ Yeah! Me likey! That elf-dude was zuperbaaaaadassssss with his telescoping pointy thing [again with the no pun intended]… Is it just me, or does Anna Walton [the elf-sister-princess-chick] look a lot like Callista Flockheart? I want to hold that bitch down and shove several pounds of peanut-butter coated kielbasa into her gaping hole [...and I'm talking about the Ukrainian sausage here, not what you were thinking] …baby got no back, yo… Which is entirely in opposition to how I feel about the delicious Selma Blair, her equally posteriorly-challenged co-actress… I want to hold her down too… But for different reasons…
But I ramble…
So I am Jack Squat’s rambling sense of movie-watching uselessness…
Call it my “coping-mechanism”… Call it “apathy”… Hell, stick Paris Hilton up it’s ass and call it “an interesting night in”… It doesn’t matter much… It’s still that recurring feeling of having something you don’t-want-shoved-up-your-ass, shoved up your ass just when you’re least expecting it… And I’m so NOT talking about my “Prison-bitch” list…
